Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”