“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
my nickname in college
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)