I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*jazz hands*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.