If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.