Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
You Might Also Like
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*