Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Today’s Times
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?