I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Important
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that