[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.