“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection