Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy