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Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together