Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
This cat wants you to take your pills
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)