I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.