*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You Might Also Like
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.