me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.