Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You Might Also Like
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.