I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
cause of death:
autopsy.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.