just pretend nothing happened
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m listening
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed