2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
That’s enough internet for the day
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.