If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You Might Also Like
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
New Tinder profile.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.