[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Single and childfree like Jesus
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.