Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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mumsnet is amazing
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
These work great until they don’t.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.