Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Yup.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.