Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
You Might Also Like
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what