1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I falcon love using swear birds
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?