[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*