While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
dream blunt rotation
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.