My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter