I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.