me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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smartest karate player in the world
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣