I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?