Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I put the mess in domestic.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks