Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Go hard or stay average
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now