If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.