Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*