I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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Yeah. This was me today.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
🤣🤣
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down