My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him