Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
You Might Also Like
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
What is going on? 😅
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day