*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
twitter is a journey
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!