THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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From Facebook just now…
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?