When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’m calling the cops.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them