HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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Oh hi lol
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?