that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.