Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.