I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Ha
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.