I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Whoa 😂
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place