People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
the short answer to this question
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Ok, but like, how married are you?
BRO LMFAO
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you