mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.