Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I found your tweet-up…
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
North and South
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.