There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
any last words?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶